My ankle surgery was one month ago yesterday. My last blog post painted a very real picture of how I felt (and still feel) about this and any other injury I’ve ever had. But I also want to track my recovery progress here for two reasons: 1) for other people who undergo the same surgery. I spend hours googling for runner experiences with whatever my injury or surgery is, and when I find one, it’s like gold. 2) for myself, so that I can look back on this experience with some objective information.
My right posterior tibial tendon repair with FDL transfer was successfully completed 8/28. I was on crutches for 1.5 weeks, then in a walking boot, in which I remain. Out of the many surgeries I’ve had, this one has been the most painful. I’m not sure if that’s the area of the incision, or because this is the first surgery I’ve had that has involved actual repair of something (everything else has just been releasing something that was trapped, or removing something that wasn’t supposed to be there). When I first came off the crutches and walked in the boot, it was fairly excruciating. I even called my surgeon to make sure that was expected.
Before long, I was able to walk around in the boot without too much pain. I began to cycle, lift weights, etc. (I am watching a LOT of Netflix while biking..recommendations welcomed). I had my two week follow up with my surgeon, and he said everything looked perfect. My only concern at that time was some pain in my LEFT foot. I have a small bunion on my left big toe, which flared after this surgery. I assumed this was from being on crutches on the right, and that it would get better with me in the boot.
The following week, things went downhill a bit. I developed a red, painful spot in the middle of my scar. It swelled up out of nowhere. Of course, I panicked. I sent a picture of it to my surgeon, who said we should watch it. A few hours later, it was worse, so I texted another picture. I was then put on antibiotics, which didn’t help it much. I began to engage in very catastrophic thinking, assuming that the surgery was A COMPLETE FAILURE and I would never run again. I saw him a few days later. He had expected that it was infected, but when he saw it said that he didn’t think it was…but rather some kind of reaction to the internal sutures. He did note something on the x ray where the anchor they used attached to the navicular bone. Now, he knows me, and he knows that I was thinking that my running career was over, so he ordered an MRI to keep my fears away. I told him my biggest fear, which was that the surgery failed but we wouldn’t know it til I tried to run again. I had the MRI the next day. He called me with results that evening, stating the MRI looked fine. He told me to call him back with any questions or concerns.
I was relieved, of course, but then I started thinking that perhaps they did the wrong scan. Maybe it was misread. Things are missed. This is how my mind works, folks. It is exhausting. I had to keep telling myself that he is a renowned and experienced surgeon, and that he cares how this turns out. He looked at the MRI himself. It looked fine.
The redness on the incision is almost totally gone now, but the bunion on my left foot is hurting worse and I am experiencing more pain at the insertion point of the navicular (where they anchored the new tendon). I am really stressed out about both. The bunion never really bothered me til this surgery, and obviously I’m not running, so I am hoping that it has to do with me compensating for being in the boot. However, I start thinking that I’ll recover from this surgery and then not be able to run due to needing BUNION SURGERY. Regarding the pain at the navicular…there is something called granuloma formation due to foreign body reaction, meaning that your body attacks an absorbable anchor used to keep the tendon in place. A granuloma forms, and has to be surgically removed. That is the one part of my incision that hurts to the touch, is firm, and hurts during PT exercises. I do not know if this is normal (to have pain at the anchor site when the anchor is superficial like the navicular..and I’ve read the entire Internet trying to find out), but all I can think of is how he saw something on the x ray in that spot, but I didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying because I was concerned about the redness, etc. I’ve become panicked that the anchor is going to have to be removed surgically, but that no one will figure that out for months. And I’ll be stuck, not running, again.
This is the reality of where I am and how I’m feeling. A lot of it is due to some mental pathology, for sure. It’s fear-based, and often irrational. I am at the point where I’m okay with not running, if I just knew that the surgery worked and I’ll be able to do so again. And that I don’t need to have this now very painful bunion removed. Basically, I want to have complete control over everything. I would MRI this ankle every day if I could.
I am spinning, rowing, and lifting weights. I sometimes even kind of enjoy it, but the deep ache for running remains. I’ve been to races, I’ve cheered people on, and I am just so desperate to be able to suffer like they are. I SO BADLY want to be that person cramping at mile 24. Throwing up on the side of the road? I WANT TO BE YOU. A few people have asked why I’ve gone to a couple of races “in my condition.” First, I have people to support, and second, I truly love this sport. Even if it’s painful, I like to have a glimpse of it. Running is not a casual thing for me. It is a big part of my identity. I cannot, like others, take it or leave it. I miss it so.
I do not have a run date yet. I try to take it appointment by appointment. My next is Oct 12th, when I’ll get out of this boot and into a custom ankle brace. I should be able to elliptical then. I have no firm idea when I’ll be running again (Nov/Dec?), and absolutely no clue when I’ll race again. It may be an entire year for that. And sometimes I still think it will be never. I’ve been toying with the idea of “different goals”–joining marathon maniacs, and focusing on running lots of marathons and ultras but not for any certain time goal, and just whenever I want. I’ve considered not racing and just pacing people (which I do love to do). In truth, I’m less worried about my ankle holding up, and more worried about what’s coming at me next (and convincing myself it’s bunion surgery!). It’s hard to set myself up for heart break again. I am very much in flux. That’s a hard place for a person with control issues to be. None of this is unexpected based on what I blogged about before.
The good news is, I’m surviving. Work is actually going very well for me. A few select family and friends know all my thoughts (like, the totally irrational ones) and fears, and have been very supportive and understanding, even when I am a blathering mess making no sense. I have had some really dark moments (all regarding the fear of not being able to run after recovery…like that the surgery failed…not over not being able to run currently), but I’ve made it through them. I know that some people (runners, even) may not understand that at all. How can I possibly be sucked into this black hole of sadness and anxiety over something like running? I don’t know. All I know is it’s not just me. It’s most of us.
Anyway–I am doing okay. I will be much better when I’m not so much in the middle of the unknown, when I can see actual progress in the ankle, and the bunion calms down. For now, it’s day to day and trying to keep myself from going crazy with invented scenarios. I will update again after my Oct. 12th appointment. Thanks to every single person who has given me love and support regarding my last blog post. Meant a lot, and I hope that post helps others ❤
Ultra Musings 